


Reports of a Death

by Morvidra



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Collection: Purimgifts Day 2, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-01 14:28:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10191998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morvidra/pseuds/Morvidra
Summary: It's the end of school term, and Susan is wishing for a plague.Or at the very least, for someone else to write her student reports.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [opalmatrix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/opalmatrix/gifts).



Most teachers cannot use the VOICE OF DEATH to instil order in the classroom. Practically none are able to transport the class to view history and geography in person. A miniscule number will bring live horses into school.

But all teachers hate writing end-of-term student reports, and Susan Sto Helit was no exception.

Susan was, at this point, staring at the remaining pile of unwritten reports, presumably in hopes that the universe would rearrange itself and cause them to have been already finished. It was, she considered, a profound injustice that Madam Frout’s theory of education (“Learning through Play!”) excluded the use of red pens and homework, but still included reports.

Mechanically, her hand dipped into the box at her side.1

Some students were more difficult than others to write reports for. An unimaginative observer might assume that these were the problem students, the disruptive influences, or, to put it briefly, Jason.

In point of fact, Jason’s report had been the first one completed. It was easy to report when there had been genuine improvement.

No, the problems facing Susan were more subtle ones. For instance, how to convey to Vincent’s parents that their son, despite being intelligent, had the social acuity of a turnip. Not to mention informing Penelope’s parents that their daughter’s near-total absence of participation from classroom activities had much to do with the fact that she found the world behind her eyes far more interesting than the one outside it.

Susan had no problems saying these things at parent-teacher evenings. And after all, if parents did not wish to read an honest report of their child’s behaviour, they need not read it. Unfortunately, setting them in writing tended to upset people.

More precisely, it upset Madam Frout. And although Susan did not have a very high regard for her employer, she didn’t exactly want to cause an increase in the number of visits the headmistress made to her lower desk drawer.2

For one thing, she really didn’t want her grandfather to visit during school hours.

She stared gloomily at the pile of reports, which still had not written themselves. Her notes for the top one began: “Flossie has made great progress in learning not to bite other children, particular since being threatened with incisor extraction.3”

A thought occurred to her.

For once, it was clearly time for Logic to make way for the much-despised Literature education Susan had once received. What had that teacher said about simile and euphemism?  
Ah, yes.

“Flossie has made great progress in the development of necessary social skills and in the observation of classroom discipline…”

Susan nodded, firm and satisfied. Sometimes, even a Death had to sugar-coat matters for mortals.

 

 

1\. Chocolate eaten during report-writing did not count as chocolate. Susan was very clear on this.↩

2\. This contained a bottle of a liquid which Madam Frout regarded as medicinal. Most teachers would have agreed with her on this, particularly during report-writing.↩

3\. It was Susan’s private opinion that parents who were so foolish as to name a child ‘Flossie’ deserved to have the biting dervish that would, inevitably, result.↩


End file.
